The Real Talk on Relapse: Getting and Staying Sober

Heads up: this isn't a glossy "just say no" pep talk. It's the messy, honest stuff about staying sober for the long haul. If you're here for platitudes, wrong room. Whether you are for or against AA, fine! But get out there and find what works. In the meantime, if you want real talk with hope, pull up a chair.

15 (14 and a half) years sober. I've watched more relapses than I can count. Some folks came back. Some didn't. Some lasted a week. Some made it years, then boom.

Here's the part nobody wants to say out loud: most people who relapse don't know why. One day they're steady. The next day they're staring at an empty bottle thinking, what the hell just happened?

Back in my early days of AA, the pros had a term: "Budding" — Building Up to Drink or Drug. Sounds clinical, but it was dead-on. And the old line is still true: the relapse happens before the relapse happens. Your people will see you sliding before you do.

The Sneaky Truth About Relapse

You're cruising in recovery. Feeling decent. Then life gets... lifey. Suddenly you're edgy. Irritable. Hiding out. One day you're high on life. The next day you're low as hell. You pull away from your support. You get cocky. You start having all the answers. Ringing any bells?

We're relief-seeking missiles. All of us. We hate discomfort. The biggest skill in recovery isn't avoiding triggers or staying busy. It's learning to sit with what's happening in your mind and body without running or self-sabotaging. Spoiler alert: your hamper will NEVER be empty. Stop basing your happiness on that. (Whatever your metaphorical hamper may be.) Instead of waiting to be happy when you're done with laundry, be it today. Yes, you can do laundry tomorrow.

There was a reason we checked out. Life hurts sometimes (okay, a lot). In recovery, we deal with old wounds and new curveballs. After years of numbing, it takes time to learn your own inner workings again.

When I first got sober, five minutes of quiet felt like torture. My brain was a pinball machine. Thoughts flying everywhere. Ants under my skin. Teeth buzzing. I was a hot mess. Learning to sit with ugly feelings is advanced class. It keeps going. That's okay.

10 Ways to Avoid a Relapse (The Real Talk Version)

1. Stay Connected (No, Really: Actually Connected)

Community isn't optional. It's a lifeline. Text someone. Go to a meeting. Tell the truth. No, friggin social media does not count. Isolating is a red flag the size of a billboard.

2. Practice Sitting With Yourself

Five minutes. Timer on. Breathe. Learn some mindfulness methods that you don't have to run away from. Work this through with some guidance. We usually can't see our own top shelf. Name what's here: anxious, numb, mad, hungry, tired. It's awkward. You're not doing it wrong if it feels weird.

3. Address Your Unfinished Business

Grief. Anger. Fear. Shame. Old pain doesn't vanish because you stopped drinking. Get help with it — therapy, sponsor, trauma work, whatever helps. If you don't deal with it, it will deal with you.

4. Learn the Dance of Diving In and Stabilizing

Some days you dig. Some days you hydrate, nap, and watch cartoons. BOTH count. Know your too-much line. Have a bailout plan for when you're overwhelmed.

5. Identify Your Triggers

People, places, things. Notice what stirs you up. Write it down. Plan exits and backups. Knowledge is power because it buys you time.

6. Take Care of Basic Needs

Sleep. Food. Movement. Don't overwork. Boring? Yep. Effective? Hell yes. Your nervous system needs to feel safe.

7. Watch for the Residuals

You might get through the wedding or funeral just fine. It's the day after that bites. Guard drops. Craving hits like a freight train. Plan something gentle the next day. Keep support close.

8. Deal With Your Anger

Always pissed? Never pissed? Both are trouble. Learn to spot it and move it: walk, journal, punch a pillow, yell in the car, talk it out. Name it before it names you.

9. Get Support for Loss

Breakups, jobs, dreams, people. Loss is brutal. Let it be ugly. Don't try to hold a beach ball underwater. It'll pop up and smack you in the face.

10. Calm Your Nervous System

Anxiety feels like electric bees in your chest. Have tools: breath work, cold water, grounding, prayer, tapping, call someone. Know what drives it. Tools first, urges second.

The Bottom Line

"Relapse is part of recovery." Well, it CAN be. It doesn't have to be. Here's the scary truth: if the disease is loud, you might not make it back. The brain will whisper, "just once," but don't negotiate with it.

Most important? Get to know yourself. Tiny steps inward. Less chasing outside fixes. Accept who you are, what you've done, and where you're headed. Not perfect. Real.

Recovery isn't about perfection. It's about being real. Birds DO sing again. Reality becomes something you can peek at, then live in. Moving on. Clean cup, move down.

Embracing the Journey of Recovery

So, what’s next? You might be wondering how to keep this momentum going. It’s all about embracing the journey. Recovery isn’t just a destination; it’s a way of life. It’s about finding joy in the little things and learning to appreciate the beauty of everyday moments.

Celebrate Small Wins

Every step counts. Did you make it through a tough day without using? Celebrate it! Did you reach out to a friend instead of isolating? That’s a win! These little victories build up over time and create a strong foundation for your recovery.

Find Your Passion

What lights you up? Is it painting, hiking, or maybe cooking? Dive into your passions. They can be a powerful tool in your recovery arsenal. When you’re engaged in something you love, it’s easier to stay grounded and focused.

Build a Supportive Environment

Surround yourself with people who uplift you. This isn’t just about friends; it’s about creating an environment that supports your growth. Whether it’s a supportive family member, a mentor, or a community group, find your tribe.

Practice Self-Compassion

You’re going to have tough days. That’s part of the process. Be gentle with yourself. Instead of beating yourself up, practice self-compassion. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can. It’s okay to stumble; what matters is getting back up.

Keep Learning

Recovery is a lifelong journey. Stay curious. Read books, attend workshops, or listen to podcasts about personal growth and healing. The more you learn, the more tools you’ll have in your toolbox.

Ready to stop performing and start living? Sometimes we need more than willpower and good intentions. If you want support that hits mind, body, and spirit (and calls out your BS patterns with love), let's connect.